Alwaysred

Silence is sweetness to my ears

Silence is more than not just hearing anything

in it is an ocean of tranquility

how simple is the task of not opening my lips

how deep and sweet is its sweetness

in it is a serene tranquility

in it are mountains of firmness

silence is a steady builder

the builder of patience

the builder of a world inside me

a peaceful vast world inside my thoughts

vast enough to encompass my whole

almost to a point of hypnotizing me

if only I could be silent forever

in love they say you need no words

your eyes do all the talking

i wish to talk like that in jannah

with all those around me

this world falls short in that aspect

and sadly in so many others

in jannah i will feel only a smile and the sweet embrace of my children

my precious ones

my flowers who i must nurture with sweet love and care

My mother was a very devoted one. I grew up always feeling like I came first.  I don’t recall her being on the phone for long amounts of time to the point that we’d feel neglected. I don’t remember being left with friends or relatives except a few incidents that I remember clearly.  I remember feeling like I mattered.  If I had something to say, my mother would listen and understand. And perhaps most importantly I remember feeling like she would believe what I had to say.  (I later noticed this particular theme in western children’s literature..of the child feeling that their parent would never believe them).

Anyhow, so when I had my son three years ago, it was clear to me that I was going to stay home and raise him, just like my mother did with my siblings and I.  But after three years of staying home with him, I’m starting to question that.  Perhaps its not going to ruin him forever if he is away from me for a few hours each day.  Perhaps I’m not cut out to be with him all the time.  Perhaps its me. Or perhaps its not natural? I don’t know what the “right” answer is.  And sometimes I’ve come to think that in parenting, often times in so many situations there is just no “right” answer.  Now I think, that often it all depends on the situation, on the variables involved.  Sometimes I’ve been quick to judge other parents, only to later on realize how tricky this whole parenting business really is. 

Over the past two years, on so many days, I’ve thought of working part time. I’ve even applied to several places.  But subhanallah, one of three things happen:

1) it becomes crystal clear that the work situation/environment/circumstance won’t work with me being a mom or a Muslim woman.

2) it just doesn’t work out.

3) I feel like how could I ‘abandon’ my son and go to work when I don’t have a financial need for this.

But now, I think I have to push myself for the overall benefit.

The other day I took him to a preschool and it was clear to me that he wasn’t ready for a structured school environment at 3.  That at this age, he simply wants play and fun like a regular 3 year old would.  So that to me was progress at some level.  That at least I knew that much - that if I were to leave him somewhere when working, that it couldn’t be at a preschool.  (Process of elimination )

I’ve been so into homeschooling for the past year or so. I read books on it. Read loads of articles on it. And basically educated myself to the point that if I were to homeschool, I would know what to “do”.  But I’m discovering, at least with this child, that it might not work.  Especially if I move to a Muslim place(aka Saudi), the social and intellectual outlet or simply the outing that we need in the morning may not be there.  And that is what at some level I’ve consistently lacked for the past 3 years. 

My mother now is a fulltime working professional who has interests that she is now fully free to pursue such as her love for Arabic.  She did her part, raised me, married me off and is there to help.  But she can’t be that traditional grandma who watches my son while I go study or do this or that and feel secure that my child is with someone I trust.  Sometimes I wish it weren’t so.  And other times, I feel guilty that I’m being selfish for wishing that.

I’ve come to feel like there are cells in my brain that simply don’t get any activity when I am with a toddler for the majority of my time.  When my husband comes home, I find it hard to hand him off to him, knowing that I’ve rested and he hasn’t and that i’ve been physically relaxed while he’s had to put up with a long commute.  My husband insists that I take some time off and go relax or do whatever I want.  But this voice inside me says “tsk tsk this is your job. to stay home, be there for your family. yur not supposed to go ‘run off’ and do something for ‘yourself’. thats selfish.”   Due to this ‘voice’, my husband has to literally push me out the door to go to halaqas for my spiritual self.  And subhanallah when I do go to these events, I notice the lack of sisters in my age group with young kids.  There is the older aunties whose kids are all grown up or the single sisters, or the newly married sisters with no kids.   But after living the life of a mom, I’ve realized that perhaps the young mom is the one who needs this break, this spiritual talk/advice accutely.  She has to refresh herself so that her young ones will prosper. 

And don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I don’t go out or take my toddler out. We go out lots. But at the end of the day, going to the park or the library or this or that, or perhaps at least for me, this is not fulfilling the intellectual or the social need.  Back in college, both these needs were filled to the brim.  … I wrote an article the other day for a local newspaper and it made me so so happy to have a certain part of my brain think, it was *so* accutely refreshing that it was scary.  That..could I have needed something so simple so badly? But I guess I did.

I’m feeling like I need to actually consider my own needs as real and not always have this tendency to feel guilty over them in the face of the ‘voice’.  I think I need to refresh my brain and my soul for a few hours each day so I can fully give back to the most important people in my life.

A Muslim wife has a beautiful post up at her blog. Worth a read insh’allah.

“Have you ever met someone whose feet are dangling in their grave, yet they deny the inevitability of death?Have you seen the one whose face has turned black from the absence of Allah in his mind, his heart, his life…..

I have.
I just spent the past week with them.
I’m related to them”

I have a bunch of thoughts floating around my head as usual (who doesn’t? ) and I thought I’d comebine them into this entry.

I was just reflecting that this blog in a way is a sign that I’m comfortable being in my own skin without having to worry about what anyone thinks. I think when I was younger, it was different.  Sometimes I would be afraid to say something around somebody for fear of getting into a useless argument or discussion.  Sometimes that could be called wisdom and other times not.  Because there are times when you just need to speak up in a nice way and ignoring something and moving on is not always the best option. 

Other things are different too.  My friends are not people I choose to be around and those who just happen to be around me as well.  My friends are those people who I’ve chosen to be friends with because of the benefit they bring into my life.  They are few.  But that’s really what I have time for.  I find that especially with being a mom, you simply don’t have the kind of time you did before kids to put into relationships. 

On a completely different note, I find that subhanallah when you make the time to do something for Allah, especially something as simple as reading Quran every morning, Allah gives you this firmness in your heart and everything else has ease in it.  Somehow you are able to handle it.  And subhanallah when your emaan is down, everything is overwhelming.  Kids, chore, this that .. everything starts coming at you from every direction and your’e thinking to yourself..”I only got two hands here”. 

On that note..here is a beneficial link to a prayer manual for mom’s. I haven’t gone through the whole thing yet, but what little I have read so far, I found to be simple, easy to digest and apply. 

And here and here is some cool make up stuff if you are into makeup.  If I try it myself, I’ll be sure to come on here and post a review.

As a parent, this is strangely really satisfying . 

Our culture is one of materialism..so wherever a kid goes..there’s a new toy being thrust into his face.  (Not to mention candy .. I mean on eid day..why do I have to navigate my child away from the hoards of candy everyone seems to want to lovingly thrust into his face so that he’ll go hyper insane by the end of the day and ruin a perfectly good day but perhaps that’s another story for another time).

But now look..turns out all those ‘toys’ we thought were good for them are actually zapping their creativity. 

I just came back from that lecture I mentioned in my last post and it was simply inspiring and definitely thought provoking.  Maybe later I’ll post some of my notes or thoughts about the content.

 But for now, I just wanted to talk about a few things:

-This is not often but sometimes I hear or read about sisters who are excited and wanting to find a second wife for their husband.  I understand that it is something the Prophet saw practiced.  However, we all know that the wives of the Prophet saw had jealousy and they were not known(or perhaps maybe I don’t know?) to go out wanting to find the Prophet a new wife.  So the point I’m trying to make is that in our excitement to practice the sunnah, we may land ourselves into a situation that is known to be one that tests the patience of the parties involved to a higher degree than a monogamous marriage.  And we’re not supposed to go looking for tests. 

Next time your child is sick, here’s plenty of reason not to drug him/her

Man on man, I used to love these jokes when I was younger and would hear or read ‘em in various Urdu books.  Enjoy

Nasruddin and his donkey

One day , one of Mullah Nasruddin’s friend came over and wanted to borrow his donkey for a day or two. Mullah, knowing his friend, was not kindly inclined to the request, and came up with the excuse that someone had already borrowed his donkey. Just as Mullah uttered these words, his donkey started braying in his backyard. Hearing the sound, his friend gave him an accusing look, to which Mullah replied: “I refuse to have any further dealings with you since you take a donkey’s word over mine.”

Nasruddin and the violin

Once, Mullah Nasruddin bought a violin. And he began to play.

NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE….

Same note, same string, over and over.

NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE….

After a few hours his wife was at her wits’ end. “Nasruddin!” she screamed.

NEEE..

Nasruddin put down the bow. “Yes dear?”

“Why do you play the same note? It’s driving me crazy! All the real violin players move their fingers up and down, play on different strings! Why don’t you play like they do?”

“Well dear, I know why they go up and down and try all different strings.”

“Why is that?”

“They’re looking for *this* note.” And he picked up his bow and resumed his playing.

NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE….

The unshaven man

A man was walking along the street when he passed another man with a lot of stubble on his face standing outside a shop. The first man asked:

“How often do you shave?

Twenty or thirty times a day,” answered the man with the stubble.

“What! You must be a freak!” exclaimed the first man.

“No, I’m only a barber,” replied the man with the stubble

The Feds are apparently recommending that the Islamic Saudi Academy be closed down.  They’re obviously being treated like they are guilty until they prove themselves innocent. Ridiculous? Pathetic? Down right hilarious? Am I surprised? Not in the least.

“A private Islamic school supported by the Saudi government should be shut down until the U.S. government can ensure the school is not fostering radical Islam, a federal panel recommends.

…

The commission does not offer specific criticism of the academy’s teachings beyond its concerns that it too closely mimics a typical Saudi education

…

“There is nothing in our curriculum against any religion,” Al-Shabnan said.

He also said he is willing to show the school’s curriculum and textbooks to anybody who wants to see them, and he expressed disappointment that the commission did not request materials directly from the school.

“We have an open policy,” he said.

He also pointed out that many of the school’s teachers are Christian and Jewish.”

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