Baby Gear – Do’s and Dont’s

I’ve been meaning to write a post about baby gear. Essentials that will make your life much more convenient with the baby insh’allah. As well as things you don’t need to bother with…

So here’s some things.

1- First of all, save your money and do not buy a diaper bag (ofcourse my opinion). When I was younger and obsessed with bags, I got a diaper bag..it was sturdy yes. But the ones from the hospital that they give you, have really been the ones that were super useful and just built for practicality. Also, my husband didn’t think they were ‘girly’ so he was more comfortable with us using them.

2- You know about the car seat and stroller deal. Essentials. No way around it.

3- Nursing cover. I got this bebe au lait nursing cover. It has been a God send. So convenient. Didn’t make me feel like a rag feeling in front of my dad or brother. It is modest, covering and yet kind of chic so I’ve really enjoyed it. It was pricey in my opinion at around $35 but worth it in the end. Ofcourse, you can make that type of thing yourself, but then again, we could also make our own shoes and shampoo and what have you…so you get the point. lol

4- Bouncer/Swing. The bouncer was a lifesaver with my son. The swing however is what worked with my daughter.  The vibrating feature in the bouncer didn’t do much for my daughter which was a God send with my son.  So I guess in this department, you just have to figure out what works with your child.

5- Medela Swing Pump – For an occasional, maybe one bottle a day type of pumper, this pump is sturdy. I got it used off of craigslist and it’s worked just fine.  Yes, I know they suggest not getting a used pump, but they also suggest many other things..like using sunscreen..and I don’t believe that anymore…long story Maybe I’ll write more on that later…

Hmm what else..oh yes..

6- A big FAT water bottle. The bigger the BETTER.  Hydrate yourself BEFORE you feel you are thirsty. Drink and drink and did i mention drink?

7- Jilbabs that have zipers or opening to feed easily. Duh right?

8- We got a bassinet for her but she’s been mostly sleeping in the bed with me.  If I were to choose again, I’d get a pack and play or a crib that I would put right next to the bed so I can just reach over and pull baby close to me for nursing.

Ok those are all the essentials I can think of.

Birth – Part 2

So basically, we went w/ this doctor. He was very motivating and very optimistic.  His residents however seemed to be kind of ‘different’ shall we say?  A little threatening, and at other times just wayyy too ‘cautious’. 

Ok so leme back up a bit. Because I was on this mission for a vbac, I tried to do everything I could for a vbac. So I got a doula. And that indeed the best thing I ever did. She was absolutely wonderful. Very supportive, with great suggestions, but never bossy! So naturally, we were very pleased.

My labor was long but doable for the most part up till the water breaking part.  At that point, the pain got really excrutiating and we headed to the hospital.  I was prepared to go natural had the pain remained at the level it was before the water broke and it was considerable. But after the pain just passed the level of my threshold, I was VERY READY for the epidural(and that is an understatement).

After the epidural, my senses returned and we generally sailed through labor till the pushing part which was short and alhamdulillah not too bad.

Ok so back to the fear mongering that the residents did for a bit..basically at one point even though I was 8 centimeters..they thought the labor was slowing down and they gave me sort of a time period to reach 10 centimeteres..otherwise they would have to do this or that.

At that point, the Hero OB lol basically told ‘em to check me like 5 or 6 hours later! thus saving the day. Because once I was checked that many hours later, I was dilated.  Once i heard that, I think the word rupture was nonexistant in my dictionary. I just started crying with joy. I think at that point I felt like this is great .. i’ve done it..before even giving birth.

Before this birth, I thought that this whole thing about “having the birth you want” is all gobeldy gook. As if the birth itself is a goal. But I realized afterwards, that there was a satisfaction to be gained from having a generally “pleasant” lol birth.  One significant thing was that my husband got to spend time with the baby right away and we both felt like that gave him this bond w/ the baby right away which was pretty special. 

Going back to the doula thing, I think it was sweet how a complete stranger can become so familiar in a sense because they share such a significant experience in your life. My doula was truly wonderful. Without the doula, we would have been sort of like overwhelmed and trying to do this or that, without the proper knowledge or direction.  Ofcourse, if we had taken childbirth classes, we would have been more on top of things, but studying things theoretically is ALWAYS different than actually experiencing them.  And the doula was obviously experience and so she was on top of things.

My second baby

So I had another baby alhamdulillah. And I told myself that I’d write about it on my blog.  Not just to talk about having another baby.  But the reason I wanted to talk about it is because I had a c-section with my first child. And this time around, I did everything I could to try to have a normal regular birth: dua, istikhara, research, talking to people, going to a meeting with an organization that supports VBAC, trying to see if I could have a homebirth, talking to midwives, doulas … you get the point.

With my c-section, looking back now, it is pretty clear to myself and my husband that my doctors could have waited some more before they decided to induce me. My water had broken and my contractions were either non-existant about about 8 hours or so or very little. So they decided to induce me. After 19 hours. Big mistake. And too bad we weren’t very informed patients at that point so while we were a bit uncomfortable, we thought ‘hey doctor knows best’.  Well, after that, the contractions got so monumentous(spelling?) that it was unbearable, and here I was trying to tell myself all along that I wana go natural and all this.  So that went down the tube and I got an epidural.  Well, after that, I ’stalled’ and wasn’t dilating fast enough. “Failture to progress” as they say. and I call it ‘failure to wait’ .. I beleive they should have waited more. Because women will usually go into labor within the next 48 hours if their water breaks.  They could have just monitored my temperature to make sure I had no infection and gone from there. But nope.

Anyhow, this time around, subhanallah, quite late in my pregnancy, probably around the beginning of the 8th month, I had this ‘thought’ about getting a doula.  So I started looking for an affordable doula. So the first doula I got in touch with told me about ICAN. ICAN is an organization that helps and supports women in their goal of getting a VBAC(vaginal birth after c-section). So I was so psyched to find out about them. Now what was even more interesting was that their meeting was in 2 days! So ofcourse I HAD to go. And that’s exactly what I did alhamdulillah. 

Looking back, I feel like Allah led me down this path, starting from the ICAN meeting, all the way to the birth.  So anyway, I go to this ICAN meeting, and ofcourse I’m the only hijabi and ‘foreigner’ in a visible way. No surprise there.  Alhamdulillah everyone were super sweet and nice.  I heard lots about homebirths and I realized perhaps its not something so odd as I would have t hought to myself previously.  Most of the women at the meeting were fed up with hospitals and their interventionist attitudes.  And several wanted and had had VBACs.  And that’s where I also heard of one doctor, male unfortunately, who was very supportive of VBACers. And who happened to be head of the maternity department at one of the two hospitals I was thinking to deliver at.

Now leme back track here a bit. In the beginning of my pregnancy, I thought to myself that I do not want to go back to the practice with which I had a c-section, so let me try another practice(practice #2).  So I tried this new practice with these two caucasian ladies. The first one, I really liked.  She was definitely over 40, seemed relaxed and laid back and pro VBAC.  Their office did not seem like they were used to seeing patients from different ethnic backgrounds but they were pretty nice nonetheless.  Then I saw the other doctor in the practice. She was this hyper, chic, younger doctor, probbaly something like 35.  She basicaly told me that I’m looking at a 50% chance of c-section and even something about how doctors don’t like to wait in the hospital for long deliveries and yada yada. Basically, I did not get the warm comfy feeling that women like to get from their doctor, especially if you have a certain goal in mind like trying to go for a VBAC.

And the other slight red flag was that when I mentioned the reaction of the second doctor to the first doctor, she seemed to sort of behave like ‘oh whatever. You are a good candidate for VBAC’.  So it was obvious that the two doctors had a different way of operating. So. If I were to stick w/ them, I could end up with either and I was not going to risk that. So in my 5th month of pregnancy, I was outta there.

I went back to my old practice. Weird right? Well see my first practice is so professional, so ‘nice’. They totally just get to be buddy buddy with you. They are so loving and when you are calling 50 gazillion other places only to be told that “sorry we don’t do vbacs” or this or that, or bad receptionist service, you think ‘ahhh maybe I’ll just go back to them and tell them firmly that I want a VBAC’. So that’s what I did. I went and saw one of the doctors. The oldest one. And I liked her a lot. But I still had my doubts about sticking with them.

So I tried another practice, which meant I’d have to deliver in another hospital, which was closer to my house. Oh yeh one more thing. My first practice (the one which I got a c-section with) delivered in this nice, new, very paush fecility, which I liked so part of me also wanted a doctor that delivered in that same hospital.  But still, I was willing to forego the hospital for a better doctor who would fully support the idea of VBAC.

So ok I find another practice, we’ll call it practice #3.  It has 3 women.  So I went in and had a talk with the oldest one. She seemed ok enough.  At this point, I was confused. Should I switch to these women who seem as good as practice #2. Should I stick with a monster I know or one I don’t know?

At this point, practice #2, socially savvy as they are, called me, the doctor herself ! to convince me to stay with them!  And ofcourse, I was like wow how nice they are bla bla. So I stayed with practice #2.  When I went to next appointment however, I realized that the two OLDER doctors basically may not be available during my time of delivery. And I could be looking at being delivered by my previous doctor who c-sectioned me or another one who I don’t know.  So at THAT point, I knew I had to switch.

I switched. And THEN I met with the youngest doctor in practice #3. This lady started talking about the risk of VBAC with zero mention of the risk of a repeat C-SECTION!!! Very cautious. Very not-the-attitude-I-want.  So at this point, man I was like ‘what am i gona do!!!!’

Around this time, my husband talked to some knowledgeable brothers, one of whom is something of a scholar and had a gazillion kids. And they told him to be open to the option of going w/ the male doctor if he’s so known for VBAC. So my husband mentioned it to me. And I started to think about it. It was not a comfortable thought to be checked and poked and delivered by a male doctor. But up till now, I had not met any doctor who would be fully supportive of VBAC. Add to that, that in the hospital they already have all these THINGS, that will easily lead you down the path of a c-section.

So we made istikhara and we thought ok let’s go talk to him. So we go. And I think it was clear to both of us while the man was talking and answering our questions, that this was the guy we were looking for! He was so supportive, so confident of a VBAC. And if you know anything about OBs, only a doctor who has done VBACs a gazillion times will be that confident.  He told us that I was a great candidate for it.  And that he would wait (and he was true to his word alhamdulillah) if this or that happened.

I think I’m going to leave this off here, and continue in part #2 of the birth post

Process of elimination

My mother was a very devoted one. I grew up always feeling like I came first.  I don’t recall her being on the phone for long amounts of time to the point that we’d feel neglected. I don’t remember being left with friends or relatives except a few incidents that I remember clearly.  I remember feeling like I mattered.  If I had something to say, my mother would listen and understand. And perhaps most importantly I remember feeling like she would believe what I had to say.  (I later noticed this particular theme in western children’s literature..of the child feeling that their parent would never believe them).

Anyhow, so when I had my son three years ago, it was clear to me that I was going to stay home and raise him, just like my mother did with my siblings and I.  But after three years of staying home with him, I’m starting to question that.  Perhaps its not going to ruin him forever if he is away from me for a few hours each day.  Perhaps I’m not cut out to be with him all the time.  Perhaps its me. Or perhaps its not natural? I don’t know what the “right” answer is.  And sometimes I’ve come to think that in parenting, often times in so many situations there is just no “right” answer.  Now I think, that often it all depends on the situation, on the variables involved.  Sometimes I’ve been quick to judge other parents, only to later on realize how tricky this whole parenting business really is. 

Over the past two years, on so many days, I’ve thought of working part time. I’ve even applied to several places.  But subhanallah, one of three things happen:

1) it becomes crystal clear that the work situation/environment/circumstance won’t work with me being a mom or a Muslim woman.

2) it just doesn’t work out.

3) I feel like how could I ‘abandon’ my son and go to work when I don’t have a financial need for this.

But now, I think I have to push myself for the overall benefit.

The other day I took him to a preschool and it was clear to me that he wasn’t ready for a structured school environment at 3.  That at this age, he simply wants play and fun like a regular 3 year old would.  So that to me was progress at some level.  That at least I knew that much – that if I were to leave him somewhere when working, that it couldn’t be at a preschool.  (Process of elimination )

I’ve been so into homeschooling for the past year or so. I read books on it. Read loads of articles on it. And basically educated myself to the point that if I were to homeschool, I would know what to “do”.  But I’m discovering, at least with this child, that it might not work.  Especially if I move to a Muslim place(aka Saudi), the social and intellectual outlet or simply the outing that we need in the morning may not be there.  And that is what at some level I’ve consistently lacked for the past 3 years. 

My mother now is a fulltime working professional who has interests that she is now fully free to pursue such as her love for Arabic.  She did her part, raised me, married me off and is there to help.  But she can’t be that traditional grandma who watches my son while I go study or do this or that and feel secure that my child is with someone I trust.  Sometimes I wish it weren’t so.  And other times, I feel guilty that I’m being selfish for wishing that.

I’ve come to feel like there are cells in my brain that simply don’t get any activity when I am with a toddler for the majority of my time.  When my husband comes home, I find it hard to hand him off to him, knowing that I’ve rested and he hasn’t and that i’ve been physically relaxed while he’s had to put up with a long commute.  My husband insists that I take some time off and go relax or do whatever I want.  But this voice inside me says “tsk tsk this is your job. to stay home, be there for your family. yur not supposed to go ‘run off’ and do something for ‘yourself’. thats selfish.”   Due to this ‘voice’, my husband has to literally push me out the door to go to halaqas for my spiritual self.  And subhanallah when I do go to these events, I notice the lack of sisters in my age group with young kids.  There is the older aunties whose kids are all grown up or the single sisters, or the newly married sisters with no kids.   But after living the life of a mom, I’ve realized that perhaps the young mom is the one who needs this break, this spiritual talk/advice accutely.  She has to refresh herself so that her young ones will prosper. 

And don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I don’t go out or take my toddler out. We go out lots. But at the end of the day, going to the park or the library or this or that, or perhaps at least for me, this is not fulfilling the intellectual or the social need.  Back in college, both these needs were filled to the brim.  … I wrote an article the other day for a local newspaper and it made me so so happy to have a certain part of my brain think, it was *so* accutely refreshing that it was scary.  That..could I have needed something so simple so badly? But I guess I did.

I’m feeling like I need to actually consider my own needs as real and not always have this tendency to feel guilty over them in the face of the ‘voice’.  I think I need to refresh my brain and my soul for a few hours each day so I can fully give back to the most important people in my life.

I don’t know what to title this post

A Muslim wife has a beautiful post up at her blog. Worth a read insh’allah.

“Have you ever met someone whose feet are dangling in their grave, yet they deny the inevitability of death?Have you seen the one whose face has turned black from the absence of Allah in his mind, his heart, his life…..

I have.
I just spent the past week with them.
I’m related to them”

My own skin and Mineral Makeup

I have a bunch of thoughts floating around my head as usual (who doesn’t? ) and I thought I’d comebine them into this entry.

I was just reflecting that this blog in a way is a sign that I’m comfortable being in my own skin without having to worry about what anyone thinks. I think when I was younger, it was different.  Sometimes I would be afraid to say something around somebody for fear of getting into a useless argument or discussion.  Sometimes that could be called wisdom and other times not.  Because there are times when you just need to speak up in a nice way and ignoring something and moving on is not always the best option. 

Other things are different too.  My friends are not people I choose to be around and those who just happen to be around me as well.  My friends are those people who I’ve chosen to be friends with because of the benefit they bring into my life.  They are few.  But that’s really what I have time for.  I find that especially with being a mom, you simply don’t have the kind of time you did before kids to put into relationships. 

On a completely different note, I find that subhanallah when you make the time to do something for Allah, especially something as simple as reading Quran every morning, Allah gives you this firmness in your heart and everything else has ease in it.  Somehow you are able to handle it.  And subhanallah when your emaan is down, everything is overwhelming.  Kids, chore, this that .. everything starts coming at you from every direction and your’e thinking to yourself..”I only got two hands here”. 

On that note..here is a beneficial link to a prayer manual for mom’s. I haven’t gone through the whole thing yet, but what little I have read so far, I found to be simple, easy to digest and apply. 

And here and here is some cool make up stuff if you are into makeup.  If I try it myself, I’ll be sure to come on here and post a review.

Back to Basics

As a parent, this is strangely really satisfying . 

Our culture is one of materialism..so wherever a kid goes..there’s a new toy being thrust into his face.  (Not to mention candy .. I mean on eid day..why do I have to navigate my child away from the hoards of candy everyone seems to want to lovingly thrust into his face so that he’ll go hyper insane by the end of the day and ruin a perfectly good day but perhaps that’s another story for another time).

But now look..turns out all those ‘toys’ we thought were good for them are actually zapping their creativity. 

Lecture, Polygany

I just came back from that lecture I mentioned in my last post and it was simply inspiring and definitely thought provoking.  Maybe later I’ll post some of my notes or thoughts about the content.

 But for now, I just wanted to talk about a few things:

-This is not often but sometimes I hear or read about sisters who are excited and wanting to find a second wife for their husband.  I understand that it is something the Prophet saw practiced.  However, we all know that the wives of the Prophet saw had jealousy and they were not known(or perhaps maybe I don’t know?) to go out wanting to find the Prophet a new wife.  So the point I’m trying to make is that in our excitement to practice the sunnah, we may land ourselves into a situation that is known to be one that tests the patience of the parties involved to a higher degree than a monogamous marriage.  And we’re not supposed to go looking for tests. 

Major venting

I am sitting here thinking i should cherish these opportunities to go to a lecture (like tonight) because Allah knows there won’t be anything like this overseas(or am i wrong?)..at least not something where I could leave the kids with my husband and go. All these things come to mind: transportation/safety/driving bla bla.

If Allah granted me one wish, I would create a safe haven…a state that had the fair laws of Islam, interpreted by educated, intelligent judges, enforced by fair and just authorities, and the morality and the education and safety and the opportunities the west has granted to women. 

Sometimes us Muslims like to argue how women in the west are so oppressed and that Islam grants women so many rights.  I agree that Islam grants women so much, but unfortunately Muslim cultures do not.  And it’s not even about the puppet dictators. It is the mindset of the Muslim cultures themselves that keep the women shackled within cultural laws and away from the depth and breadth of Islam.

As for whether the west oppresses women or not, that’s debatable but I will say this.  For all those women, who are maids working for upper class people in the Muslim countries, do these maids have an honest, fair chance of moving up in society?  Forget even moving up, they are treated like a lower race, or at the very least talked and considered to be such.

The maid who comes to clean my mom’s house here in the US, makes decent money and has the opportunity to get an education and create another career for herself if she so wishes.  That to me is opportunity.  Even though there are many poor people here, shackled by their circumstances.  But we can’t deny that no avenues exist.

Social services?  Nonexistant in the muslim world.  Services for special ed children? Nothing like here.

Sometimes it just kills  me to think how behind we are intellectually and in helping the people of our sciety, and we think Islam is only about wearing a hijab and a beard and going to prayer 5 times a day.  I wish so badly that we would wake up, and study and educate ourselves in topics beyond just accounting, computer science, medicine, engineering and law.  I wish our societies would be filled with research institutes and services that helped people in all areas of their lives.

I wish , i wish , i wish…

On another note…

i have this love/hate conversation going on about saudi in my mind.

Interstingly i dont have the same feelings towards pakistan because since I  have lived there I can somehow embrace the paradoxes of life there and they dont seem so weird.

Its not like u can go out there alone at night by yourself(except certain areas) and feel completely safe.  But that somehow seems normal/regular and not soo outrageous because I’ve lived it…

But saudi…because it claims to be this great lovely land of Islam..and yet a single woman with kids couldn’t really survive there without harrassment and constant hassles .. I just think to myself: is this what the Prophet would have wanted?  A land that doesn’t support the weak and the needy?  The Prophet saw in multiple duas sought refuge from poverty and yet in the Muslim world, begging is a full-fledged business.  Little kids beggings.  That breaks your heart.  Are these kids gaining anything from being in this type of society? Do they think about a connection to God or are they just worried about feeding their hungry stomach?

I would be willing to bet its the later.

Drugs

Next time your child is sick, here’s plenty of reason not to drug him/her