Process of elimination

My mother was a very devoted one. I grew up always feeling like I came first.  I don’t recall her being on the phone for long amounts of time to the point that we’d feel neglected. I don’t remember being left with friends or relatives except a few incidents that I remember clearly.  I remember feeling like I mattered.  If I had something to say, my mother would listen and understand. And perhaps most importantly I remember feeling like she would believe what I had to say.  (I later noticed this particular theme in western children’s literature..of the child feeling that their parent would never believe them).

Anyhow, so when I had my son three years ago, it was clear to me that I was going to stay home and raise him, just like my mother did with my siblings and I.  But after three years of staying home with him, I’m starting to question that.  Perhaps its not going to ruin him forever if he is away from me for a few hours each day.  Perhaps I’m not cut out to be with him all the time.  Perhaps its me. Or perhaps its not natural? I don’t know what the “right” answer is.  And sometimes I’ve come to think that in parenting, often times in so many situations there is just no “right” answer.  Now I think, that often it all depends on the situation, on the variables involved.  Sometimes I’ve been quick to judge other parents, only to later on realize how tricky this whole parenting business really is. 

Over the past two years, on so many days, I’ve thought of working part time. I’ve even applied to several places.  But subhanallah, one of three things happen:

1) it becomes crystal clear that the work situation/environment/circumstance won’t work with me being a mom or a Muslim woman.

2) it just doesn’t work out.

3) I feel like how could I ‘abandon’ my son and go to work when I don’t have a financial need for this.

But now, I think I have to push myself for the overall benefit.

The other day I took him to a preschool and it was clear to me that he wasn’t ready for a structured school environment at 3.  That at this age, he simply wants play and fun like a regular 3 year old would.  So that to me was progress at some level.  That at least I knew that much – that if I were to leave him somewhere when working, that it couldn’t be at a preschool.  (Process of elimination )

I’ve been so into homeschooling for the past year or so. I read books on it. Read loads of articles on it. And basically educated myself to the point that if I were to homeschool, I would know what to “do”.  But I’m discovering, at least with this child, that it might not work.  Especially if I move to a Muslim place(aka Saudi), the social and intellectual outlet or simply the outing that we need in the morning may not be there.  And that is what at some level I’ve consistently lacked for the past 3 years. 

My mother now is a fulltime working professional who has interests that she is now fully free to pursue such as her love for Arabic.  She did her part, raised me, married me off and is there to help.  But she can’t be that traditional grandma who watches my son while I go study or do this or that and feel secure that my child is with someone I trust.  Sometimes I wish it weren’t so.  And other times, I feel guilty that I’m being selfish for wishing that.

I’ve come to feel like there are cells in my brain that simply don’t get any activity when I am with a toddler for the majority of my time.  When my husband comes home, I find it hard to hand him off to him, knowing that I’ve rested and he hasn’t and that i’ve been physically relaxed while he’s had to put up with a long commute.  My husband insists that I take some time off and go relax or do whatever I want.  But this voice inside me says “tsk tsk this is your job. to stay home, be there for your family. yur not supposed to go ‘run off’ and do something for ‘yourself’. thats selfish.”   Due to this ‘voice’, my husband has to literally push me out the door to go to halaqas for my spiritual self.  And subhanallah when I do go to these events, I notice the lack of sisters in my age group with young kids.  There is the older aunties whose kids are all grown up or the single sisters, or the newly married sisters with no kids.   But after living the life of a mom, I’ve realized that perhaps the young mom is the one who needs this break, this spiritual talk/advice accutely.  She has to refresh herself so that her young ones will prosper. 

And don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I don’t go out or take my toddler out. We go out lots. But at the end of the day, going to the park or the library or this or that, or perhaps at least for me, this is not fulfilling the intellectual or the social need.  Back in college, both these needs were filled to the brim.  … I wrote an article the other day for a local newspaper and it made me so so happy to have a certain part of my brain think, it was *so* accutely refreshing that it was scary.  That..could I have needed something so simple so badly? But I guess I did.

I’m feeling like I need to actually consider my own needs as real and not always have this tendency to feel guilty over them in the face of the ‘voice’.  I think I need to refresh my brain and my soul for a few hours each day so I can fully give back to the most important people in my life.